From Addiction's Shadow to Healing Light: My Journey into Acupuncture

As is the case for many Americans, my life was touched by addiction.  I personally am not an addict, nor do I have the personality to become one, but I am a child of an addict.  The entire 22 years that I knew my father, he struggled with addiction, depression, low self esteem, social anxiety, ADHD, fear, you name it.  It tended to be a very vicious cycle, and it was hard to watch. 

 The Legacy of Addiction

His addiction didn’t come from some sort of innate desire to do drugs and live a life that was unmanageable.  He was born into a family that had a lot of unresolved trauma and addiction, he himself had quite a bit of childhood trauma, and the first time he ever did Heroine was with his mother.  As a child he was given a diagnosis of ADHD, told he was unmanageable, and forced to take Ritalin, which he hated.  My aunt told me they used to tie him to his bed and force him to take his medication, or force him to try and sleep.  My grandparents weren’t bad people, they themselves were involved in cycles of trauma, addiction and abuse.  My grandmother was born in 1930, raised in a catholic orphanage, came from a very troubled background, was a victim of domestic violence with multiple partners, and was diagnosed with Bi Polar disorder.  She used to call her doctor “God” and took any medication they gave her.  She was institutionalized several times in her life.  Both her, and my father suffered from medical trauma based very much around who they were as people.  Too much, too intense, too loud, too crazy, in need of medication.  You can see the picture I am painting here.  It all leads up to a perfect storm of low self worth, unhealed trauma, fear, distrust, couple that with an addictive personality and low dopamine, and you have a perfect recipe for drug addiction. 

Growing Up Amidst the Struggle

Growing up my father was always trying to get clean.  We were low income, and unfortunately his addiction made it hard for him to hold down a job.  He felt incredibly judged and misunderstood by society and some of that was real, but some of it was perceived and stemmed from his own insecurities. He went to the methadone clinics, but getting high is getting high, to this day I do not understand how methadone is supposed to get someone clean, especially on an outpatient basis.  He went to govt funded rehabs, but those were hard to get into, and also kind of a joke. I remember visiting him at one once, and it was just a trailer in the middle of a field. If someone really wanted to obtain drugs it would not have been very hard.  The best resource for him honestly was Narcotics Anonymous (NA).  He felt understood around his peers.  He would go to meetings 3 times a day, he would do 90 meetings in 90 days. Sobriety was a full time job for him. We went to NA potlucks, as a child most of my holidays were spent at NA potlucks.  I could always tell when he had relapsed because he would stop going to his meetings.  Even if he was hiding his drug use, the simple fact that he was not at his meetings was a giant red flag.  If I asked him about it he would say something to the effect of, “those people are all judgemental”, which meant, he was not clean and he didn’t want to face it.  Many of his friends were also on this rollercoaster, and many of them overdosed and died. 

Image credit: Photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash

 Relapses and Redemption

When I was in 6th grade my mother inherited some money and we could afford to send him to a fancy rehab.  He got on an airplane to Oahu and went to Hina Mauka rehab center. The first time did not stick, but after the second visit he was able to stay clean for 6 years.  He even became a sponsor in NA, and seemed to be doing very well.  His mother was diagnosed with cancer, and had medical pot in the house, this became a gateway drug for his most disheartening relapse. 

I never visited him at Hina Mauka, but I did speak to him on the phone once.  He was crying and asking me to forgive him for all of the hardships his addiction had caused us.  That was one of the first times I was really able to feel some compassion for him, because I realized how much he struggled, and how badly he wished he was someone different. 

After his relapse following his 6 years of sobriety, he started just using prescription opioids.  If a doctor prescribes them to you, does that make it ok? Are Oxy’s better than shooting up street heroine? I didn’t think so, but in the midst of addiction people will tell themselves anything to make themselves feel better.   He tried rehab one more time after that, Betty Ford.  A friend of his died and left him some money, and since he had 6 years under his belt one time, he decided to give it another go. I think he also wanted to honor his friend by getting clean.  He didn’t last long at Betty Ford, he told my mom he didn’t connect with the people there.  I heard he got annoyed with an orderly and threw a remote control at him, so they kicked him out.  Either way that didn’t stick. He began periods of getting clean, seeing natural medicine providers, seeing spiritual healers, but he always wound up in a relapse.

 My father died when he was 50, he was on prescription drugs when he died, but the autopsy showed an enlarged heart as well.  He had gone to me, and my two sisters right before his death, and tried to make amends to us.  I think his body, and his spirit were worn out, life was a struggle for him, and his spirit gave up and he died. 

Lessons from a Complex Relationship

Being my fathers daughter was not easy, and even though he is gone, my relationship with him is still complicated. On one hand I wish that he could have been the type of dad that was “normal”.  One that held a job, was emotionally available, acted as an adult etc etc.  On the other hand I have a lot of compassion for him.  Even though my childhood wasn’t a walk in the park, he did break some generational trauma cycles.  For example, he actively tried to get clean, he told me he loved me, he tried to protect me, he never physically abused me.  I also think that he was a great teacher to me.  He taught me to not take life for granted and to find joy in this life.  Unfortunately, he had a really hard time finding joy in life, and I never wanted to emulate that.  Life is short, and once you are gone, it continues without you.  You have to try and find some beauty, and some purpose in it because before you know it you are dust. 

Acupuncture: A Path to Healing and Prevention

So what does this all have to do with why I chose acupuncture as a profession? For one I knew that I wanted to help people, and I was always interested in medicine.  Unfortunately, some of my fathers best drug dealers were medical doctors, and with all of the medical trauma in my family, I didn’t have much faith in bio medicine.  In a lot of ways bio medicine seemed to cause more problems than it solved. Natural medicine spoke to me, and I saw a pathway to help people live a healthy and fulfilling life.  I visited a talk on acupuncture one day, and learned that acupuncture is helpful in addiction and I thought, “wow, what if my dad had been getting acupuncture in rehab, wouldn’t that have been cool?”  So I embarked on a journey to become an acupuncturist.

 The Professional Journey: Focusing on Pain Management

 Originally I thought I wanted to work in a rehab facility, so I did all of my clinical training in various community clinics and rehab facilities.  I enjoyed the work, but as a child of an addict I felt it was a little too emotionally triggering for me.  I settled on working in private practice and focusing on pain management.  What I love about pain management and acupuncture is that it actually works better than pain pills.  People walk out having spent an hour on themselves, they feel relief from their pain, and they have down regulated their nervous system so that their body can heal.  I have had experiences where a patient was scheduled for surgery, then after having acupuncture twice a week for a month no longer needed the surgery.  That is powerful.  If I can save just one person from getting on pain medication, then developing an addiction, I will take it.  Drug addiction is a vicious cycle, it tears apart families, it ruins lives, and it kills people. I would not wish it on anyone, and if I can help people with their pain in a natural way, that gives my life some purpose.